What's Your Measuring Stick?

I’ve been thinking this morning about Rory McIlroy, the golfer who won the Masters this week. But I’m not thinking what you may be thinking I’m thinking.

Yes, it’s a great story of victory and redemption after 16 failed attempts and one deeply demoralizing near miss. All credit to McIlroy for gutting it out. And yes, it was amazing to watch the blend of relief and joy on his face in the moments after his victory.

But what I’ve been wondering is how long McIlroy’s satisfaction will last. Because here’s what I’ve found over and over: An enduring sense of worthiness and self-acceptance doesn’t come from what we accomplish on the outside. No external achievement – no matter how big – has a long-lasting impact on how you feel about yourself on the inside.

I understand this struggle intimately because I've lived it. For decades, I convinced myself that if only I could pile up more achievements, more accolades, and more widespread recognition, I would finally feel better about myself. I was fortunate enough to get much of what I thought I wanted. But what didn’t shift was the nagging anxiety that I still wasn’t good enough.

It's a peculiar irony of modern life that despite unprecedented access to sources of external validation through social media — the accumulation of views, likes, and followers — they provide so little enduring sustenance. Like any addiction, this compulsive pursuit delivers diminishing returns.

In working with hundreds of leaders across multiple industries, I've learned that this experience is remarkably universal.

In this newsletter, I want to explore why external validation so often fails to satisfy our deeper needs, and share what I've discovered about finding a more reliable source of worthiness—one that doesn't depend on constantly proving ourselves to others.

The Inner Workbench:

Beyond the Pursuit of External Validation

For most of my adult life, I measured my worth largely by what I visibly accomplished.

In my early career as a journalist, I got these highs from writing stories as a reporter for the New York Times and other publications. Later, it came from writing bestselling books. Over time, it was launching and growing my company, delivering keynotes to large audiences, or landing a prestigious client. Each achievement provided a brief, intoxicating rush of satisfaction, followed, not long after, by the question: "So now what?"

This is the question I can almost guarantee Rory McIlroy has already asked himself over the past several days. By winning the Masters, he raised the bar for himself. Now the next proof point beckons.

I suspect this experience resonates with many of you.

Recently, I led an exercise with a group of leaders where I asked them two simple questions: "What makes you feel good enough?" and "What makes you feel “less than?"

The answers were remarkably similar. Nearly everyone of them had to do with comparison to others and external validation.

"I don't feel good enough when I see colleagues advancing faster than I am."

"I feel good enough when my boss publicly praises my work."

"I feel less than when I’m not included in certain meetings, even if they’re not a good use of my time.”

What struck me most was not just the prevalence of external comparisons, but the absence of any intrinsic experience of value or worthiness. No one said “I feel good enough because I live my deepest values,” or “I feel good enough just for being myself.”

When I pointed this out, one participant asked with genuine puzzlement, "How would I know if I was good enough if I wasn’t comparing myself to others?”

This question gets to the heart of a profound cultural blind spot. Many of us have been conditioned to believe that our value is derived entirely from outside ourselves. 

Life becomes a relentless competition and a zero-sum game: If we don’t win, we lose. Either we're successful by external standards, or we're failing. If we don’t have the “right answer”, we’re wrong.

What gets lost is nuance, the value of learning from setbacks, and the fact that life has inevitable waves.

The solution for me wasn't another achievement. It was a fundamental shift in how I understood my own value.

Chasing Freedom

As Janis Joplin sang, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose." But can I offer you a more enticing alternative?

Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to prove.

I’m not suggesting that you abandon goals or ambition, or cease your pursuit of excellence. I’m challenging you to find a more stable foundation for your sense of self-worth, a groundedness that can’t be shaken by the inevitable ups and downs of everyday life, or determined by someone else’s arbitrary standards.

But where do you find this experience, and how do you cultivate it?

Here’s what I’ve discovered increasingly over the past decade: everything we require to feel a deep sense of self-acceptance is already inside us. We just need to learn to access it.

It’s not about pushing harder, gritting your teeth, and mounting up evidence as if you’re a lawyer arguing your case. To the contrary, it’s more about letting go, trusting, and embracing all of who you are, including the parts of you that spend so much energy trying to prove your worth.

Here’s the big revelation: the parts that tell you you’re falling short, or exhort you to push relentlessly to achieve goals, or to create protective masks to wear in the world, aren’t actually who you are at your core.

You are so much more than you think — and than you think you are.

At your core, you have a wellspring of intrinsic goodness. You can draw not just on your thinking mind, but even more fundamentally on the wisdom of your heart, your body and your spirit.

Here’s an example:

One of the most transformative moments of my life occurred in a flash. It dawned on me one morning years ago, as I was obsessing about some way in which I’d fallen short, that all the worst things I’d ever felt about myself, or that others had said about me, were true.

But they weren’t all that was true. When I could get a little space from these parts, I could see that they were actually in the business of trying to help me. They were exhorting me by criticizing me.

But they weren’t all of who I was. As I became more able to simply observe these parts, I gained access to an energy that felt more calm, effortless and organic. You’ve surely experienced this yourself, at times when you felt a sense of flow. When you simply did the next right thing, or made the next right move, without trying to prove anything.

I don’t have access to this energy all the time, and my self-critic hasn’t vanished, but what I do have is a near constant awareness that the quieter I get on the inside, the more fully present I can be on the outside. The less energy I spend trying to prove my value, the more energy I have to experience my value, and to create value in the world.

I’m not going to tell you making this shift is easy. Our culture relentlessly reinforces the message that we are what we achieve, what we own, how we look, and how others perceive us. Stepping off this treadmill can be frightening, because it means trusting that when you do, there will still be ground underneath.

A simple suggestion as a place to start your own practice: when you become aware of a part that is telling you how you’re falling short, or what you must do to prove your worth, offer it some reassurance. Not reassurance that you are worthy, but appreciation for the job it’s been trying to do for you. Ask that part what it needs most from you.

This is the beginning of a route back to your core self and all its wisdom, creativity, and resilience.

What I've Been Reading and Watching

Until next time,

Tony

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